We are so naive when we have our first. Let’s be honest people…we have NO idea what are are getting ourselves into!!!

Here is my list of sixteen unexpected situations you might encounter as a mum that no one bothered to mention to you…

1.  You might find your child in the toilet. Literally IN. THE. TOILET…

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2. You will discover interesting items in your child’s car seat that resembles food yet has changed quite dramatically since being in the car seat for a few days…you might even consider giving it to your toddler when they complain of starvation after having not eaten for ten minutes.

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Believe it or not, this used to be a grape.

3. You find yourself stating, “I will never let my child in my bed!” only to awaken with a foot in your face a few months later with no recollection of how your child actually ended up there…

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How does someone so tiny take up so much room?

4. You will look at gorgeous pictures of celebrities breastfeeding their babies and imagine yourself looking the same…only to discover that you will not.

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Giselle multi-tasking with a beauty team…me multi-tasking with a wooden spoon.

5. You will be mortified at the stories of children ending up in dangerous situations.  “Where was their mother?! How could the child get themselves into that situation?! How dangerous!” Only to then find your child like this…

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What mum? I’m just hanging out on the computer desk. No big deal.

6. You will realize how just lying down and relaxing will become an IMPOSSIBLE task if your children are around. You will lie down, they will follow. And then crawl all over you. And then jump on you.

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The kid pile.

7.  You will have a scale of “the gross factor” when it comes to bodily fluids…everyone has their own fluid which puts them straight into an anxiety attack. Mine happens to be vomit. Please give me a case of a toddler poop pile in the closet any day over vomit. 

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I choose poop.

8. You will become THAT family with kids in the restaurant (and plane). Trying to look calm and refrain from yelling. “Just look normal everyone! Look normal dear family of mine, for just forty five minutes! Is that too much to ask?!”

9. You will feel guilty for wanting to go back to work. Then you will feel guilty for being at work and not with your children. And if you work at home you feel guilty for working while breastfeeding instead of staring lovingly into your child’s eyes. Bottom line, you will feel guilty no matter what you do. 

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Here I am as the breastfeeding/work at home mum.
Mother guilt. It’s the shit reality of motherhood.

10. “To meditate” now means sit with a boob out and child attached to it while going through your mental to-do and shopping lists. While you might sit with your eyes closed looking peaceful, you are actually trying to sleep while sitting up, breastfeed and tick off your mental notes.

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Not only did my middle boy come over and put his legs all over me…he then farted on me. So much for meditating!

11. Fantasies about sex sleep.

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sleep…sleep…sleep….

12. You will wipe your butt in front of an audience…

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This is my life.

13. You will find 2,679 uses for baby wipes.

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The “face wipe”

 

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The “quick! Someone is coming over in three minutes” wipe

 

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The “coffee spilled all over the dashboard” wipe

14. Mum and baby yoga will not be exactly as you had imaged it…

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These breastfeeding toddlers know how to find a boob!

15. You will pull out your high heals and there will be cobwebs and dust bunnies hanging off of them…

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“Wait a minute honey! I just have to dust my heals off first!”

16. You forget the pain of childbirth, the challenges with breastfeeding, the sleep deprivation. You actually start to think about having ANOTHER baby…yes. Believe it or not, it happens. 

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Do not look into his eyes! You will be hypnotized into thinking you need one more baby!

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