Attachment parenting and sex. Believe it or not, you can manage to continue your sex life even if you’re breastfeeding 24/7. Throughout this blog you will see some meme’s with quotes on them. These are from real life attachment parents who follow me on Facebook and have managed to continue to have sex! Yes! It’s possible!
This is a topic often wondered about but rarely spoken of. “How do people who practice attachment parenting actually HAVE SEX?” This really cracks me up as I think the question really should be, “How do sleep deprived mothers who have not shaved their legs in 3 weeks, have not slept in 2 months, showered in 3 days and cannot even pee by themselves actually have the energy to have sex?” Because HOW you parent doesn’t change the fact that giving birth is life changing and one of those changes (even if just temporarily) will be your sex life! So here’s the deal…
Your sex life is going to change whether or not you have a baby attached to your boob 24/7 and are bedsharing. It’s interesting how people seem to be very concerned about the sex lives of “attachment” parents who bedshare or co-sleep with their kids, breastfeed and babywear…yet those same people don’t show this concern for ALL parents. YOUR SEX LIFE WILL CHANGE after you have kids, regardless!
Sex and relationships is about communication, not about your parenting philosophy. There are a few different ways to parent out there but the important thing to remember is that regardless of whether or not you are breastfeeding, bedsharing and babywearing, you will need to TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS frequently, every day with your partner. Are you feeling “touched out” because you have breastfed non-stop that day? Tell him!Don’t just say, “I don’t want to have sex.” Say, “I have had a baby attached to my boob all day, I didn’t even have time to pee, my bush is the size of small forest and I think I’m going to die. But I do still love you.”And as the partner, are you feeling left behind and ignored? Tell her! Once it’s all out on the table then you can come up with solutions. If you don’t talk about it then it festers. This is an issue for EVERY PARENT, not just attachment parents.
Sex as parents is about creativity. Your bed is not the only place to have sex! And the issue some people have with this sure does show our true colours of privilege doesn’t it? Most people around the world don’t have a house filled with bedrooms. They live in one room or a very tiny apartment with one bedroom. Such a shame we have to walk around our big houses to find a different room to have sex in! Oh the heartache! (Yes I’m being sarcastic here). And yes, sometimes the kids will wake up, you’ll have to take a break to breastfeed mid-sex or your boobs will leak all over the place. These will be fun little stories to laugh about later. It keeps a marriage or partnership interesting. 🙂
Acknowledge the fact that your partner might feel left out and not understand why you won’t go for a weekend away. *Partners take note* This is something that many couples struggle with. The breastfeeding mother who does not feel comfortable leaving her baby for a weekend away. I promise, she loves you, she cares about your relationship, she does still think about you. The thing is, this baby you have created together literally changed her. Physically and emotionally. These first couple of years are intense and she has a strong desire to BE with her baby. It’s a primal, biologically normal reaction to motherhood. We feel this insane pull to just be with our baby. Pumping is incredibly challenging for most women and being apart from our babies is something that many of us breastfeeding women find impossible to even imagine. It’s not that she doesn’t want to spend time with you..she does! It’s just that HOW you spend time together might need to change a bit for the first few years. My husband and I didn’t have our honeymoon until our first born was 2 years old and I had weaned. Soon enough your kid will be 13 and be BEGGING you to leave him alone. Weekends away will not be an issue at this point. 🙂
The differences in definition of “Foreplay”…all a man needs is a fleeting sexual thought to enter his mind and VIOLA! He’s ready. So basically he is ready at any given moment 24/7. A woman needs the dishes cleaned and put away, the children all showered and happy, the laundry hung out and dinner cooking in the slow-cooker. *A note to the men out there, do the dishes and vacuum as a part of your foreplay.
The “cuddle, sex” cycle. So here’s the deal with this. Men have sex to feel close and then cuddle, women cuddle to feel close and then have sex. Sometimes we feel like you only want to cuddle if you are horny.
…what should come first? The sex or the cuddles? And the reality is that it doesn’t matter. The point is that you need to do both, so just keep having sex and keep cuddling…keep cuddling and then having sex.” Just do both! And acknowledge the fact that sometimes cuddles will happen because of horniness. Just try to have some cuddling sessions sometimes that have nothing to do with sex! (*and a side note. Don’t worry about what “other” people are doing and how often they do it. What matters is how you feel about it as a couple. Four times a week? Once a month? The only thing that matters is how you feel about the frequency and what works for you both). If you are arguing about frequency then TALK about it. It can be cyclical and there will be times it’s less frequent due to the craziness and exhaustion of parenting!
Marriage and relationships TAKE WORK, ATTENTION AND KINDNESS. This applies to EVERYONE, not just attachment parents.